Hello, students! As your regular professor is out sick with, uh, smallpox, I’ll be your substitute. And don’t worry, I’m not any old substitute, I’m a cool substitute! Can’t you tell from my leather jacket and pack of Marlboro Reds? Yeah, I’m pretty effin’ cool.
Today we’ll cover Los Angeles commercial real estate, and more specifically, those you’ll encounter while working in the biz’. There’s truly nothing more important to me than my students’ approval, so let’s make this fun!
Los Angeles is the second largest city in the country and filled with plastic monsters, in other words, Pokémon! Considering this Pokémon Go fad will be over in a month, let’s all hop on the Poké-train and— on further note LA public transit sucks so let’s just drive. Let’s all squeeze in my 1998 red Mazda Miata and take a tour of the Pokémon you’ll find in Los Angeles commercial real estate!
Techbrolithe is the most innovative of Pokémon! The technology they create improves life in every way imaginable, like an app that’ll quickly find you illegal day-laborers or another app that efficiently displays the best grocery stores to avoid loitering homeless people. This Pokémon is concentrated near the ocean, in an area that we in the commercial real estate biz’ like to call “Silicon Beach.” Catchy names like this ensure inflated real estate prices, which is good for us because California sure is expensive and my leased Audi only takes premium gasoline.
Techbrolithe is relatively easy to catch. First, approach one and say you’re a venture capitalist from Palo Alto with $10 million to invest. Now that you have their attention, offer them some LSD, because you know, Steve Jobs did LSD once. When they’re absolutely just tripping balls, lure them into an alley and throw a pokéball. Techbrolithe caught!
Pokémon: Random Celebrity Buyerzard
Random Celebrity Buyzerard (RCB) is looking for a smokin’ deal on their next recording studio and/or sex dungeon. Your luck on catching one in person depends on the status of celebrity, which in LA is a deeply-ingrained science that fluctuates based off the Jewish lunar calendar and Ryan Seacrest’s horoscope. I myself almost captured an RCB when touring properties in North Hollywood. (I’ll give you a hint on who it was— less famous than Jay-Z, but more famous than Honey Boo Boo. Like I said earlier, I’m pretty darn slick.) Unfortunately though, the deal fell through and I walked away empty-handed.
But you don’t have to! To catch an RCB, hang around five-star hotel lobbies and look for people wearing sunglasses indoors. They’re either one of two things: a complete douchebag or a random celebrity! To evolve them into a random celebrity Buyerzard, simply extort them by threatening to release their sex tape to the public unless they sign an exclusive with you. Random Celebrity Buyerzard caught!
Persianownerotto is a shrewd, business-savvy Pokémon who came to Los Angeles in order to flee a violent revolution. But we don’t want to hear the details of a proud Pokémon history; we want to hear baseless ethnic stereotypes! Give the people what they want, I say!
Persianownerotto is difficult to catch, but I’ve found two ways. The first is by hacking into the City of Beverly Hills traffic camera footage and looking for white BMW’s running red lights at unfathomably fast speeds. The other is to call commercial building owners and offer $1 to purchase their property. No more, no less. If they don’t hang up, and instead start to haggle, you’ve found yourself a Persianownerotto!
The flakiest of flakes in the flakiest of cities, this Pokémon will never call you back. An alpine species, they’re found along the crest of the Hollywood Hills throwing huge parties but never actually attending due to crippling social anxiety or drug-induced meltdowns. They’re the type of Pokémon that’ll pay $20,000 a month for office space because “my ferrets need privacy to mate” or buy a Del Taco in the Valley because “it’s my cheat day go-to!”
Like the Khaleesi herself, Reclusivebillionairio’s Unsullied slave army of personal assistants and walled palace with iPad controlled entertainment system (obviously) ensures they’re difficult to find in the wild. My advice is to search social media for hashtags like “#blessed” or “#NoPainNoGain”. Once you’ve found their geotagged location, use the classic Trojan horse scam by baking yourself into a giant cake. They’ll for sure bring you inside, because let’s be honest, everyone loves cake! Just before Reclusivebillionairio slices the cake with a $15,000 sword bought from Tom Cruise on the set of The Last Samurai, jump out and catch the bastard!
None of those here. No Picture found. Maybe try Minneapolis?
Bear in mind, class, Los Angeles is a huge city and there’s far more people, er— Pokémon, I could stereotype into cheap jokes. Who knows, maybe I’ll make this into a reoccurring series on other cities? Maybe I’ll expand upon this before Pokémon Go becomes old and lame? Maybe I’ll quit my job as a substitute teacher and follow the LA dream of selling protein powder and teeth whitening products on Instagram? Does anybody know where I can get my parking validated?
Written by Tommy Adelson AKA “The Country Club Broker”
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